I hate reality TV. Some of the things they do on these shows are completely absurd. I also question the supposed realism, as I believe all reality shows are to some extent scripted. Despite my best efforts to avoid them, every so often I find myself watching select seasons or episodes of a show that I normally hate. Reality shows are like junk food. They’re both guilty pleasures that are easy to digest, but leave you with nothing of real value.
I’m cognizant of the fact that reality shows are not going anywhere, and will forever have a place among mainstream TV. I know one guy that really wants to go on Survivor. He applied multiple times, unsuccessfully. Another friend is always saying that he would be good for The Amazing Race, since he travels so much. That would be his show of choice if he was forced to participate in reality TV. He’s always asking me which show I would go on. Honestly, I can’t think of a single show that I would be good for.
Recently news broke out that China is doing a reality show to to recruit Chinese actors for Transformers 4. And all this gets me thinking: which TFs would be good for which shows? I mean, if Transformers came to Earth, some of them would be perfectly suited for some of these lame shows. So perfect that they could easily win, or make themselves stars of the show. Below I present 10 TFs and the show that they should go on.
Jazz – Dancing with the Stars
Most TFs don’t dance, but of the few that does, Jazz does it with the most style. In G1, we often see him dance whenever there’s music. And in the 1st Bay movie, we saw Jazz perform a windmill dance move when he first meets Sam and Mikaela. That’s pretty good for someone who just arrived on Earth. If Jazz was to go on Dancing with the Stars, he could give the audience something they’ve never seen before. His robotic body will allow him to perform moves that no human can ever do. Finding a partner for Jazz may prove to be difficult, however.
Soundwave – Celebrity Poker Showdown
You want a poker face? You got one in Soundwave. He’s totally unreadable and he gives away nothing, making him the perfect poker player. He’s also got a photographic memory, making counting cards second nature. I like to hear him go “Soundwave Superior” in his robo voice whenever he wins a hand, annoying the hell out of the other players. Shockwave would be good for this too, but I give Soundwave the edge because of one other reason: Soundwave can detect all forms of wave communication, even human brain waves. This means he can read the minds of the other players, and know exactly what they have. Good luck beating Soundwave at poker.
Starscream – Big Brother
Starscream was built to be on Big Brother. All the secret alliances, all that back-stabbing, all the drama, and all the house politics, they would all be child’s play to Starscream. For someone that near manipulated his way to Decepticon leadership (and would’ve easily succeeded if Megatron wasn’t around), winning the battles in the Big Brother house would prove almost too easy for the Decepticon air commander. Of course I much rather just see Starscream blast the brains out of some other house guest with his null rays if s/he puts him up for eviction.
Bumblebee – Cash Cab
For this to work, I’m thinking of the NYCC Exclusive TF Prime Taxi Cab Bumblebee. And this needs to be a talking Bumblebee, like G1 or War For Cybertron, but preferably more like Animated. That Bumblebee’s got some serious spunk for extra entertainment value. So instead of Ben Bailey driving around NY in his stupid cab, you have Bumblebee driving around doing the same thing. That would be way cooler. Bumblebee would need a hologram driver to attract unsuspecting riders. After they enter, Bumblebee bombards them with true Cybertronian lights and sounds. The game would proceed the same, except Bumblebee asks the questions while driving them to their destination, and it’s all TF trivia. If and when the players get 3 strikes, Bumblebee transforms into robot mode and kicks out the riders to the curb himself.
Swindle – The Apprentice
Of all the TFs ever created, Swindle is the only one that is interested in making money as an entrepreneur. And he’s pretty damn good at it. The epitome of the shrewd businessman, Swindle has mastered his craft of war profiteering by being a black market weapons merchant. He has even gone so far as selling the parts of his fellow Combaticons for money. All this makes him the perfect Apprentice for The Donald. As far as I know, Trump is not in the business of war. But that doesn’t mean has hasn’t looked into it, and Swindle would be his perfect partner. Of course Swindle has to first win the “3 month long job interview”. If The Donald ever tries to fire Swindle, I suggest Swindle fire back, literally, with his scatter blaster and destroy that comb-over once and for all.
Black Arachnia- America’s Next Top Model
I’ll admit, this is not a show I have watched. I change the channel as soon as it comes on. I rather take a nap than watch a bunch of women compete to be a model. However, if Black Arachnia appeared on the show, that would get my attention. I first thought about putting Arcee on here since she’s the most famous female TF, but she would probably hate being a model. So this gets me thinking about other TFs of the fairer sex, and Black Arachnia came to mind. The feisty female Predacon would enjoy the experience a bit more. It does take some cunning to win these reality competitions, and she’s got more than enough to spare. And if she doesn’t win, it would be entertaining to watch her transform into that giant black widow and watch the other wannabe models freak out.
Prowl – Cops
The granddaddy of reality shows just won’t go away. People can’t seem to get enough of Cops. I suggest using some TFs as police officers, and Prowl would be the perfect choice. His alt mode as a police vehicle already does half the job. And being the strict disciplinarian that he is, he probably volunteer for the show. Imagine some local lawbreakers trying to outsmart the police, only to find they are dealing with Prowl! Law enforcement never looked so good. Criminals beware!
Grapple – Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
On every episode of this show, some deserving family in poverty gets their house renovated by the Extreme Makeover team. What they come up with is pretty good, but I know how they can do it better: get Grapple on the team! Forget Ty Lawson or Paige Hemmis, you need a real architect who’s good enough to design solar power towers. Grapple’s buildings are considered great works of art on Cybertron, before the war. Designing a house for humans wouldn’t even be a challenge to the famous Autobot architect. Grapple would probably build energy collection modules into the homes for humans, the result being that the family residing there would live in constant fear of a Decepticon attack. Small price to pay for getting a brand new home for free.
Nightbeat – Cheaters
Only the most hardcore of G1ers would know about Nightbeat. He is a Headmaster that came in the 5th year of G1. The US G1 animated series already ended by then, so we only got to see him in comics. Anyway, he’s a detective. Why Autobots would even need detectives is beyond me, but his particular skill set gives him plenty of opportunities on Earth. One of those would be a private investigator for Cheaters. All that Autobot technology, reduced to spying on sexual infidelities. And as a Cheaters detective, his Headmaster partner can be Joey Greco. They would drive around day and night (mostly night), following their targets and monitoring their behavior. And when it’s time for “The Confrontation”, imagine the surprise of the cheater when accosted by a giant robot! No man or woman will ever stray again!
Grimlock – Master Chef
Grimlock would be horrible on any reality show, including Master Chef. I just want to see him appear on a show where he gets to wear his apron like a chef in training. I can see it now: a big, clumsy robo dino in the studio, wearing the apron and bowtie, knocking over everything and trying to eat all the food. Grimlock’s preferred method of food preparation has gotta be flame broiling, using the flamethrower built into his jaws. Though he’s more likely to burn down the whole studio. He would only attempt to follow directions for so long, before he loses it and makes a mess of everything. Gordon Ramsay may think he can scare all the contestants into submission. Good luck with that with Grimlock around. The famous chef can consider himself lucky if he doesn’t become human BBQ at the end of the show.
I will admit that I watch Cheaters if I happen to catch it. But the rest of them, I avoid like the plague. And they are all still running too, as far as I know. They say TV turns your brain to mush, and in the case of reality TV, it’s very true.
Transform and Roll Out.
